“Aftermath: The Movie”

I had a movie idea.

Not sure about the actual story it’s telling yet, but the setting is a year or two after a major event….either a super hero standoff with aliens or a giant lizard attack…and everyone has settled back into their state of disillusionment with their city and their government. Their “we’re all in this together” mindset has dissolved. Everyone is just pissed off about all the roadwork still being done. All the buildings they once frequented haven’t reopened. Remember that little coffee place that used to be here? Of all the things iron man could’ve thrown an alien on….

There’s still giant lizard foot prints in some parking lots. Teens take instagram photographs in them with their tongues sticking out. This, of course, creates Internet outrage due to some people hanging on to the destruction caused and the lives lost. Some people just can’t let go. I mean, come on. It was 18 MONTHS AGO.

Stand up comedians have begun telling jokes about the lizard. It’s no longer terrifying. Now it’s just something that happened once. “I wish it had stepped on nickelback,” one hilarious tweeter would post, and it would get 20 favorites from his or her legion of followers. Discovery channel would run hypothetical scenarios on what would’ve happened if the monster had turned left on third street instead of right. YouTube would be flooded with auto tuned versions of the roar or screech it made. Bruno Mars would have a worldwide smash hit with his new song/dance craze based on it’s unique walk.

You can visit New York and ride on a green double decker bus with the yellow letters “destruction tours” written on the side of it. They sell t-shirts outside where the empire state building used to be that say “never forget,” which becomes a huge business for a few opportunistic folks for a while…until of course the taboo starts to kind of fade. It’s been 18 months now. The t-shirts aren’t the hot seller they were before. A local tourist shop buys the remaining inventory at a heavily discounted price and puts them on a rack in the back behind the regular fare for 50% off.

The running is over. Everyone hiding in subway stations together and standing with mouths agape as fireballs flash overhead is a thing of the past. Life has returned to normal only with all this added bullshit to deal with. Homeless guys are still lining the street. Hell, there seems like more of them now. I guess they didn’t have renter’s insurance.

Maybe it should be a romantic movie. People still gotta get laid, right?


Late Nights and The Cherub Rock

I remember when I was still a young fella. My friends would spend our evenings in Chris’ family’s back yard, drinking and often times firing up the BBQ. It got late. Back then, sleep didn’t matter as much as it does now. Most of us worked nights at pizza hut, so our fun most times wouldn’t even get started til 11:00 pm.

We were all teenage to early twenties guys. Bathrooms weren’t always necessary. In fact, with the parents sleeping in the house, it was better just to find a place outside.

Chris’ mom kept a very nice yard. She had flowers and landscaping…she had a lovely patio that we enjoyed…but what I remember specifically was the cherub statue we all used as a toilet. An innocent, peaceful little girl….her wings tucked behind her, staring hopefully to the heavens. Her chin rested on her hand and an innocent smile adorned her happy face. This statue sat in the sun by day, brightening up a cheery yard filled with well maintained grass and flowers…then at night, we took our turns pissing on her face. Being the shit heads we were, this was funny. Aiming for her face was important. Shaming those who refused to follow piss protocol were ridiculed.

I’d like to think my string of bad luck was some sort of punishment for the joy I felt pulling my penis out and soiling a statue. I keep thinking of other things that I may have done wrong to be punished. Nothing really comes to mind. I keep telling myself I’m due for a win, but maybe some people aren’t supposed to win. Maybe in order for you to have a good time, other folks just need to stand in the garden and wait to get peed on.


CLICKS AND THE AGE OF ADS

there’s a game on my phone that i love. i occasionally pull it up in my downtime and before you know it, an hour has gone by. the game is called “2048,” and i would describe it as like a mahjong kinda ripoff with numbers multiplying together and the ultimate goal is to reach 2048.  the game was free and is ad supported. that’s the way things work. i understand that.  a price we pay for getting content for free is that SOMEHOW the developers are going to need to get paid for their products they create……..so instead of our 99 cents, we pay for it with our time watching or viewing ads.  the thing that BOTHERS me about this is the advertisement somehow trumps my instructions that my phone be on silent (or vibrate, whatever the case may be) which takes my quiet, peaceful time alone on the couch with my number game and turns it into a god damned loud, obnoxious knight quest battle with a dragon yelling and swords clanging fucking bullshit party.  this isn’t something i can opt out of or avoid.  this is something that has breached MY COMMANDS AS THE USER in favor of a third party trying to SELL ME SHIT.  it doesn’t just stop there. since purchasing my samsung galaxy s3, i am BERATED with ads on everything. my VOICEMAIL has a clever little banner ad that pops up about 3 seconds after the voicemail screen appears…….just enough time for me to see where the play button is and move my thumb to click on it.  BAM! ad appears in it’s place……suddenly i’m on the google play store and it wants me to buy fucking BEJEWELED.

 

this happens 4-5 times a week. it gets me every time.  isn’t it enough that i purchased your $200 phone, samsung? isn’t it enough that i pay sprint $100 per month to use it? do i really need BANNER ADS blocking my fucking VOICEMAIL MESSAGES?  I HATE THEM…..BUT ALTHOUGH I DON’T CARE FOR IT, I GET ADS ON GAMES OR ON APPS LIKE FACEBOOK THAT I USE OF MY OWN FREE WILL, BUT I FEEL VOICEMAIL SHOULD BE EXCLUDED FROM THE LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN USE TO TRICK ME.  MAYBE I’M CRAZY. I JUST IMAGINE LETTING THAT GO UNCHECKED WOULD LEAD ME TO HAVING TO HEAR ABOUT BOUNTY’S ABSORBENCY BEFORE CALLING MY GRANDMA TO WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

you can’t log in to twitter now without a promoted tweet from dr. pepper ten or the “fluffy movie.” you can’t click a link to youtube without 4 pop ups interrupting whatever shit music or cat video you were trying to watch.

is there a price that can be paid to throw a blanket over the whole thing? whatever 2 cents google would’ve gotten for me seeing something…….can i just pay a yearly subscription to NOT see it? we’ve been tortured with it for years. WE NOW UNDERSTAND THE VALUE of not being annoyed.  CAN’T I JUST PAY $50 PER YEAR TO LOG IN TO A SAFE, AD FREE EXISTENCE?  I JUST WANT TO GO A DAY WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING TO FUCKING SELL ME ANYTHING.  I JUST WANT TO WATCH ONE MOVIE WITHOUT THIS SHIT………

 

vlcsnap-2011-08-07-15h54m43s52the-1992-film-waynes-world-shows-mike-meyers-hawking-a-pizza-hut-pizza-while-sanctimoniously-proclaiming-i-will-not-bow-to-any-sponsornicky

 

i think over time things lose their effectiveness. look how quickly people stopped caring about seeing miley cyrus’ tits. look how quickly sisqo came and went.  THING IS: WE SEE SO MANY ADS IN A DAY EVERYWHERE, WE’RE IMMUNE TO THEIR ABILITY TO SWAY US. WE’RE JUST FUCKING OVER IT. MILEY CYRUS’ TITS ARE FINE, BUT I JUST CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO CARE ABOUT THEM ANY MORE.  the money is no longer in advertising, the money is in PEOPLE WHO ARE TIRED OF ADVERTISING.  ME AND PEOPLE LIKE ME WILL PAY YOU WAY MORE TO GO AWAY THAN COMPANIES ARE WILLING TO PAY YOU TO ANNOY US.  i know we can.  i know i’m not alone.  once we’re allowed to live our lives peacefully and just enjoy a little “us time,” surely we’ll get hungry or thirsty and go buy something to eat or drink on our own, right?  IF YOU MAKE A MOVIE, I CAN PAY $10 TO GO SEE IT IN THE THEATERS WITHOUT ALL THE BULLSHIT, OR I CAN HAVE THE OPTION TO GO SEE IT FOR $7.50……..AND BE SUBJECTED TO THIS……..

 

20130709-223646

 

I HOPE YOU’LL TAKE MY IDEAS UNDER CONSIDERATION, GUYS. YOUR MOVE.


MOVIES AND THE LAP OF LUXURY

All of my local theaters have converted their showrooms into “luxury lounges.” They have plush, reclining seats….employees will bring you food right to your seat….with less seats and a full menu, it’s CERTAINLY designed to give you a MUCH BETTER FILM VIEWING EXPERIENCE….

….horse shit.

Let’s face it, unless its opening weekend, those were wasted seats anyway. They took some of the seats out, added little retractable tables, and charge more for tickets and present it like its a convenience to you when essentially all they’re doing is giving themselves permission to solicit you during the movie for food/drink purchases. Now instead of the concession stand being tucked away in a corner on your way to your auditorium, there’s a MENU with chicken dinners placed on your arm rest. FOR YEARS, WE’VE SEEN MESSAGES BEFORE THE MOVIE BEGINS URGING PATRONS TO TURN OFF THEIR PHONE AND NOT TO TALK OR TEXT DUE TO DISTRACTIONS….NOW THERE’S 100 little lights to illuminate EVERYONE’s DINNER OPTIONS. You want popcorn? At a movie? Obviously there are traditionalists that might want peasant food as opposed to the 14.99 blackened chicken pasta….OK, SLOB! WE’LL BRING YOU POPCORN, AND WE’LL REFILL IT AS MANY TIMES AS YOU’D LIKE (CAUSE OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE EATS MORE THAN ONE BAG OF POPCORN IN AN HOUR AND A HALF) FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 9.99. NO NO. DON’T GET UP. WE’LL BRING IT TO YOU. YES, OF COURSE YOU’RE EXPECTED TO TIP. THIS IS A CONVENIENCE!

This would be fine if there was one ritzy theater in town where you could go have this “experience”…but now everyone is following suit. The reasons are obvious. There’s money to be made in this avenue of selling me things while I’m watching a movie. The $20 I spent on tickets isn’t enough. I need more $3 refills of my 20 oz. GLASS of soda….I need a filet minion while watching Wreck it Ralph. There’s no room for the unsophisticated casual movie-goer. Not in this world. You’re not sitting in our fancy, red leather reclining chairs for 2 hours without us renting ad space in your head. You owe us. Look at all the seats we cleared out of here so you could be comfortable.


DISNEY VILLAINS AND THE BASTARDIZATION OF THE BEARDED MAN

my niece hates my guts.

any time i walk into the room, she immediately starts crying.  there has been over a year of testing and the results are in.  she fucking hates me.

i know it’s probably just some kind of vibe i give off….or maybe i’m not holding her right……..or maybe there’s no reason.  maybe she’s just a baby.  i have a theory though that i want to run by you guys and see what you think though………

 

i think it’s disney’s fault.

 

and yes……..she’s 1.  she hasn’t seen a ton of disney movies……but animals adapt over time to survive……birds’ beaks change shape……we grow extra fingers to help grip our food…….fur may change colors to better disguise themselves from potential predators……..and disney movies have taught us not to trust people with facial hair.

 

look at the evidence………

aladdin’s clean shaven…….

Image

 

bad guy has a fucking beard……..

 

Image

 

captain hook with the stache……..

Image

 

ratigan had some kind of 5:00 shadow thing going on……..

Image

 

they even made it kind of obvious with uncle scar from the lion king…….kinda making his chin hair considerably longer than all the lions as if to say “his maintenance of his chin hair is the first sign that he’s evil…….

Image

 

you see evidence of this psychological change everywhere whether you’re aware of it or not…….look at the characters used as the bad guys in the mega-hit “hunger games” movie that came out earlier this year…….look how they convey the characters’ evilness without words……..

ImageImage

 

we don’t even know it’s happening……but it’s happening.  our babies are being born with prejudice towards facial hair because all of our villains have it.

little harley’s dad and grandpa both shave regularly.  the only person she sees regularly with the devil’s bush is me…….and i make her cry.  this is how it starts.  and pretty soon they’ll be hunting us down and burning us for crimes we look like we might commit.  prepare yourselves for a fight, fellow non-shavers.  it’s coming.


Justin Bieber and some fuck named Mojo

I’ve never listened to a Justin Bieber album. I’m not really a fan of him or his music. The top story on gawker today though was about his call in interview on some bum fuck radio station in detroit and what a dick he was. I don’t really see it that way……

here’s the link

The radio host’s first question was more of a comment than a question. He told Bieber that upon first hearing bieber’s new song “boyfriend,” he thought it was Justin timberlake…..and asked if he considers that a compliment. Bieber’s reply was that he did NOT consider it a compliment to tell him he sounds like someone else. MUSICIANS DON’T WANT TO BE TOLD THEY’RE CLONES OF OTHER MUSICIANS. Now….what the man said to Bieber happens to be true….that song totally sounds like a Timberlake song…..but to fucking tell this guy “hey, you sound like you’re doing a bad impression of another musician and I want you to take it as a compliment” is stupid. If I was a painter…..and I put my heart and soul into a piece of work that I really felt conveyed my emotions….like I really bared my fucking soul….and then some jackoff from Detroit walked up to me at my showing and told me I was ripping off van gogh or that I was a Jackson pollack clone (I can’t think of any painters), I’d be pissed. Music isn’t supposed to be interchangeable. People want to have a unique style. Fuck him for not realizing that.

The second question was “do you worry that one of your friends (some dude in a band called one direction) is gonna fuck your mom?”

Bieber kinda says “dude, maybe you should worry about your own fucking mom.”

…..I mean…..what’s he gonna say? The dude’s talking about a kid his age fucking his mom. What kind of interview is this? Promote my album. Don’t talk about somebody fucking my mom. The interviewer….making it all about him….tells Bieber his mom is dead.

I can’t believe on his call-in list for shitty local radio shows there wasn’t a note that said “Mojo’s mom is dead.” Somebody’s getting fired. How dare he not be informed of this man’s parents’ living status.

So Bieber’s a dick? He might very well be a dick….dude’s had pussy thrown at him since he was like 12…I hate him for that…..but I don’t think in this particular case he was at fault. Not really sure why I, a thirty year old man, am commenting on the situation at all….I’m not Perez Hilton or anything…..but the spin on the story bothered me. If Bieber wants to call me, I’ll ask him perfectly professional questions…..and if he can send me pictures of that Selena Gomez’s feet.


Your sleeves and pockets

I know for a fact that when I do laundry, I put one dryer sheet in the dryer with an entire load of clothes. One. Never more. What puzzles me is that once it has run its cycle and the clothes come out, get hung on hangers and placed in closets….EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING has a hidden dryer sheet in a sleeve or a pants leg.

There is no way that there isn’t something fishy going on. Don’t tell me I’m crazy, cause I’m not. One goes in….15 come out. There’s some kind of heat activated multiplier in action…..but why? If they’re more visible, are we reminded more often to purchase them? Does it increase the softness/dryness of my clothes to travel beyond the laundry room and reveal itself right before the article is worn?

….or is there something more sinister at play? Someone told me a few years ago that if I put a dryer sheet in my pocket, it keeps Mosquitos away. That seems made up….but there are studies that say its true….

like this one

…..but really to me it seems like someone somewhere wants people carrying around dryer sheets. Whether its old wives tales about Mosquitos or the heat activated multiplier that inserts one into everything….we’re being urged to bring them with us wherever we go because it benefits someone somehow. I’ve read enough x-men comic books to know that if an entire population is suddenly being told to carry something weird with them, some villain somewhere has a ray gun or a mind control device pointed right at their faces.

Why do they call it “bounce?” What’s bouncing? Clothes don’t bounce. Dryers don’t bounce. I hope I’m opening your eyes to some shit here, you guys…..ask questions. Don’t just ACCEPT dryer sheets into your sleeves and pockets. THAT’S HOW THEY WIN.